Helping all children become happy learners
Say It Like This
Introduction
How we speak to children influences how well they can listen and respond to us. Our words matter, but so do our tone of voice, facial expression and body language. This is especially important during moments of tension, when both the adult and the child may already be feeling frustrated, anxious or upset.
Parents and teachers carry considerable responsibility. They must keep children safe, maintain boundaries, manage competing needs and ensure that necessary things get done. It is entirely understandable that adults sometimes need children to cooperate without lengthy discussion or negotiation. It can also be exhausting when reasonable instructions are repeatedly questioned, resisted or ignored.
Adults usually have good reasons for what they are asking. However, being right does not always make it possible for a child to respond as expected at that particular moment. When emotions are running high, authoritative language, criticism or blame may unintentionally increase resistance or distress. The interaction can then become an argument in which neither the adult’s original purpose nor the child’s needs are addressed.
Reflecting on our language does not mean surrendering adult authority, removing necessary boundaries or allowing children to decide everything. It means choosing words that make cooperation more likely. Calm, clear and supportive language can communicate the same expectation while reducing the possibility that the child will feel blamed, threatened or overwhelmed.
This is not always easy. Children can say or do things that adults find deeply frustrating, and remaining calm requires considerable emotional effort. No parent or teacher will manage every interaction perfectly. The examples that follow are not criticisms of adults who are already doing their best. They offer alternative ways of saying familiar things which, with practice, may reduce avoidable conflict and help difficult conversations end more successfully.
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Things to avoid
Adults naturally experience frustration, disappointment and anger, particularly when a child repeatedly ignores instructions or behaves in a way that affects other people. These feelings do not make someone a bad parent or teacher. However, when strong emotions shape the way we speak, they can make an already difficult interaction harder to resolve.
Where possible, try to avoid
blaming the child
shaming or humiliating them
repeatedly emphasising their mistakes or failings
dismissing or confronting their views without first listening
using threats or ultimatums in place of clear boundaries and reasonable consequences
using language that undermines their confidence or self-esteem
There will be times when a child needs to understand that their actions were wrong or caused harm. The aim is not to prevent appropriate guilt, remorse or accountability. However, making a child feel ashamed or overwhelmed may leave them concentrating on their own distress rather than on the effect of their behaviour.
Calm and supportive dialogue can help the child understand what happened, recognise how other people were affected and consider what they can do to repair the situation. Reflection is usually more productive once both the child and the adult are sufficiently calm to think and talk clearly.
Things to try
We are more likely to gain cooperation, maintain boundaries and achieve a calmer response when we:
remain as calm and understanding as the situation allows
acknowledge our own part in an interaction rather than placing all the blame on the child
remember that children and adolescents often need gentle reminders
allow them to save face in front of other people
give them time to think and respond
listen to their perspective without necessarily agreeing with it
encourage reflection once everyone is calm
support them to identify possible solutions and ways to repair harm
look after their emotional wellbeing while maintaining necessary expectations
When interactions repeatedly become tense, adults can feel as though they are “walking on eggshells” and constantly trying to avoid another argument or outburst. This can be emotionally exhausting. It may help to think of modifying our language not as giving in, but as choosing the route most likely to achieve what is needed without creating additional conflict.
Boundaries and rules still matter. Some expectations are necessary and cannot be negotiated away. The aim is to communicate and enforce them calmly, clearly and consistently while avoiding unnecessary confrontation. Finding the path of least resistance can make cooperation more likely and reduce stress for both the child and the adult.
Resources
Say it like this
12 examples of phrases to avoid and alternatives to try. Handy A4 size for staffroom noticeboards.
Say it like this at home
