Stay calm and use non-confrontational body language

Persistent demand avoidance can be frustrating and difficult for adults to manage, particularly when something important needs to be done. Remaining calm is not always easy, but an adult’s tone of voice, facial expression, posture and movements can influence how safe or threatened the child feels.

Some children are highly alert to signs of pressure, frustration or confrontation. If they sense that an adult is becoming angry or more determined to enforce a demand, their anxiety and resistance may increase. This can lead to further distress, withdrawal, a meltdown or aggressive behaviour. Such escalation should not automatically be interpreted as a deliberate attempt to manipulate the adult.

Use a calm voice, give the child sufficient personal space and avoid confrontational posture or sustained eye contact. Reduce the amount of spoken language and allow time for the child to process what has been said. If frustration is increasing, it may be helpful to pause the interaction, reduce the demand temporarily or ask another trusted adult to provide support.

Responding with anger may sometimes produce immediate compliance, but it is likely to increase anxiety and damage trust. A calm and non-confrontational response provides a better basis for helping the child feel safe and finding a way forward.

Use the child’s interests to support engagement

A child’s interests can provide enjoyment, familiarity and a sense of competence. Incorporating these interests into learning may make an activity feel more meaningful and accessible, particularly when the child is anxious about an unfamiliar or adult-directed task.

For example, a child interested in fairies might enjoy writing stories about fairies, creating fairy artwork or solving mathematical problems involving fairies. Whenever possible, involve the child in choosing how their interests are included and offer genuine alternatives.

Interests should be used thoughtfully rather than added to every demand as a way of securing compliance. Turning a valued interest into a repeated requirement may reduce the enjoyment and sense of ownership it provides. The aim is to create connection and encourage engagement while respecting the child’s choices.

Use indirect and inclusive language

A direct instruction can sometimes increase a child’s sense of pressure or loss of control. Where appropriate, rephrasing it as a shared activity, observation or invitation may make the demand feel less confrontational.

For example:

“It’s time for reading.”

might become:

“When we’ve found your reading book, we’ll have time to enjoy it together.”

And:

“Please put on your shoes.”

might become:

“Before we go out, let’s check that we’ve all got our shoes on.”

The revised wording should remain clear and easy for the child to understand. Avoid deliberately using complicated or ambiguous language, particularly if the child has speech, language, communication or processing difficulties.

Indirect language will not remove the demand completely, and some children may still recognise and resist it. Use it as part of respectful, collaborative communication rather than as a way of tricking the child into complying.

Use curiosity and purposeful redirection

A new activity, question or role can sometimes redirect a child’s attention away from a demand that has become difficult. This may be particularly helpful when the alternative gives the child a sense of purpose, competence or choice.

During one visit to a primary school, I was asked to help with a five-year-old boy who was running around the school hall and refusing to stop. I had not met him before. Rather than challenge his behaviour, I approached him calmly and said:

“Hello, I’m a stranger to this school. Could you show me where the Year One classroom is?”

The boy stopped, agreed to help and walked with me to the classroom.

The unfamiliar visitor may have caught his curiosity, but other features were also important. The request was polite and non-confrontational. It did not draw attention to his previous behaviour, and it offered him a helpful role in which he had knowledge and competence. Walking to the classroom also provided a natural transition away from the situation.

Redirection will not work for every child or on every occasion. It should not become a succession of distractions designed to obtain compliance. Repeated use may become predictable or lose its value.

When a child is severely distressed or experiencing a meltdown, introducing something new may add to their overload. At those times, reducing language, demands and stimulation and following the child’s individual support plan may be more appropriate.

Describe the situation rather than direct the child

A direct instruction may increase a child’s sense of pressure. Sometimes it is helpful to describe the situation or problem and allow the child an opportunity to decide how to respond.

For example:

“Close the door.”

might become:

“The door is open and the room is getting cold.”

And:

“Put the books away.”

might become:

“There are some books on the floor.”

This approach reduces the emphasis on adult authority and gives the child greater ownership of what happens next. Allow sufficient time for them to process the information and respond without immediately repeating the implied demand.

Descriptive language may be confusing for a child who interprets language literally or has difficulty understanding implied meaning. If the child does not understand what is needed, communicate more clearly rather than increasing the pressure. Direct and unambiguous instructions should always be used when immediate action is necessary for safety.

With younger children, an adult might sometimes think aloud about a situation without directing the comment towards anyone:

“I wonder where all these Lego bricks belong.”

This can encourage the child to become involved without feeling individually confronted. The adult still wants the task completed, but reduces the personal pressure attached to the request. Use the approach sparingly. If it becomes an obvious formula for disguising instructions, it is likely to lose its effectiveness.

Be flexible and make the most of the situation

Plans may need to change when a child finds a demand overwhelming. Adults should be prepared to adapt an activity, adjust their expectations or allow additional time rather than continuing in a way that increases distress.

In school, there may be occasions when the planned lesson activity is not accessible to the child. If anxiety is increasing, the immediate priority may need to shift from completing the task to helping the child regulate and remain engaged. This does not necessarily mean abandoning the learning altogether.

Keep the intended learning clear while remaining flexible about how it is achieved. Look for appropriate opportunities to connect the learning with the child’s current activity, interests or preferred way of working. A child might demonstrate the same knowledge through discussion, drawing, practical activity, technology or a different written task.

Effective adaptation requires staff to understand both the child and the purpose of the lesson. The aim is not to pursue the original task in increasingly disguised forms, but to find an achievable and meaningful route towards learning.

Some children may need individual learning targets or planned adaptations. These should be developed with the child, their family and the professionals involved, then reviewed as the child’s needs and circumstances change.

Reduce pressure around demands

Try to make a request feel calm, ordinary and unhurried. Allow the child time to process what has been said and avoid repeatedly prompting, watching or asking whether they have started. These actions may unintentionally increase the pressure.

Reassuring language can help:

“You have plenty of time.”

“We can work out a way to do this.”

“You can choose which part to start with.”

“Let me know if you need some help.”

Where possible, offer flexibility over the timing, order, location or method of completing the activity. Make clear which parts are genuinely open to choice and which remain necessary.

Reassurance should always be honest. Avoid saying, “You have as much time as you need,” when there is a deadline, or, “It doesn’t matter how you do it,” when some methods are not acceptable. Clear and realistic boundaries help the child trust what adults tell them.

Encourage the child to identify the next step

A child may feel less pressured when they recall or identify what needs to happen next instead of receiving another direct instruction. This can support autonomy and make familiar routines feel more predictable.

For example:

“Now you need to put your coat on.”

might become:

“What do you think we need before we go outside?”

And:

“Line up for assembly.”

might become:

“What’s next on the timetable?”

A visual timetable, written plan or checklist can provide a neutral reminder and reduce reliance on repeated adult instructions. Allow the child time to look at the information, decide what is needed and begin when they are ready.

Questions can also feel like demands, particularly when the adult already knows the answer. Avoid asking them repeatedly or using them to test or corner the child. If a question increases uncertainty or distress, offer a clear observation, supportive prompt or genuine choice instead.

Use playfulness and humour

Playfulness and humour can sometimes make an activity feel less formal or pressured. A silly voice, imaginary character or shared challenge may help a child approach something that previously felt difficult.

For example:

“Do you think we can finish before I say ‘Hibbily Dibbily Do’ three times?”

Or:

“I wonder whether this pencil is clever enough to solve the sum.”

The child might also enjoy inventing the challenge, choosing the silly phrase or taking on the playful role themselves. This gives them greater ownership of the interaction.

Humour should be warm, shared and appropriate to the individual child. Avoid teasing, reverse psychology or challenges that imply the child is incapable. Competition against other children may increase anxiety and should be used cautiously.

A playful challenge should remain an invitation rather than a disguised instruction. If the child does not want to join in or is already distressed, accept this and try a calmer, less demanding approach.

Depersonalise demands by referring to a higher authority

Some children experiencing demand avoidance may find it easier to accept a requirement when it comes from an impersonal or higher authority rather than directly from the adult speaking to them. This can reduce the sense that another person is trying to control them.

For example:

“You must walk inside the school building.”

might become:

“The school rule is that everyone walks inside.”

And:

“Put your seatbelt on.”

might become:

“The law says that everyone must wear a seatbelt.”

Other external sources can include a timetable, written instructions, safety signs or the agreed rules of a game:

“The timetable says that assembly is next.”

“The instructions say that this piece goes in first.”

The authority referred to must be genuine and relevant. Do not invent rules, describe personal preferences as official requirements or use “it’s the law” when it is not. Overusing this strategy may also make the higher authority feel controlling.

This approach is most appropriate for necessary or genuinely non-negotiable expectations. Where flexibility is possible, offering meaningful choice and involving the child in decisions should remain the preferred approach.

Offer limited, meaningful choices

Offering choices can help a child retain some control within an adult-directed activity. Be clear about what needs to happen while providing genuine choice over the order, method, materials or location.

For example:

“We need to write the date and the learning objective. Which would you like to write first?”

Other choices might include:

“Would you like to work at your desk or at the quiet table?”

“Would you like to write your answer, type it or tell me?”

Offer a small number of manageable options. Too many choices may increase uncertainty or make the decision itself feel overwhelming. Visual choices can help when spoken language adds pressure.

Only offer options that are genuinely available and be prepared to accept whichever one the child selects. Avoid presenting a false choice when the adult has already decided the outcome.

When an activity is necessary, avoid offering postponement as a choice unless a later time can genuinely be accepted and supported. Delaying the activity may leave the original demand unchanged and create the same conflict when the agreed time arrives.

If the child cannot choose or rejects every option, this may indicate that the underlying demand remains too difficult. Allow more processing time and consider whether the task or level of support needs to change.

Use indirect and low-key praise

Some children experiencing demand avoidance may find direct praise uncomfortable. Being singled out can create unwanted attention, strong emotions or an expectation that they must perform in the same way again.

Indirect or shared praise can recognise success without placing the child under a spotlight:

“We worked well together.”

“Everyone managed that change really well.”

Descriptive comments can also acknowledge what the child has achieved without making a judgement about them:

“You found a way to finish the task.”

“All the equipment is back where it belongs.”

Praise should be genuine and proportionate. Avoid exaggerated enthusiasm, public recognition or immediately linking praise to a new expectation. Give the child time to experience their success without adding further pressure.

Children differ in how they prefer their achievements to be recognised. Some may respond well to quiet verbal praise, while others may prefer a written comment, a private gesture or simply seeing the successful outcome. Observe the child’s response and, where possible, ask what feels comfortable for them.